me: because we all know women are only good at 1. cooking 2. cleaning and 3. child rearing
bryan: don't forget 4. bitching 5. complaining and 6. particle physics

portraits in a lift

him: you're 98% funnier than most people i know. to the point where i'm convinced that when you were born, your parents had to decide whether to try and salvage the penis, or just make it look like a vagina.

me: when my parents decided to make it a vagina, the doctors took the excess bits and gave dane cook a penis.

proof of my catholicism (a study in guilt)

an email from my father:

Seems [your brother] has to work on Friday so he and [his wife] will not be coming for
Thanksgiving. Currently it is the three of us if you will be so kind as to
join us. As I stated you are more than welcome to invite any of your
friends who may be at loose ends or unable to get to their own families. I
always liked Thanksgiving as a family holiday but it will be different this
year - I guess that is only to be expected. We would be more than happy
for you to stay a night or two with us if you are interested. ALSO - if
you have potential plans elsewhere for Thanksgiving don't worry - go ahead
and have fun...

during an all company meeting, a new employee stood to ask a question.

"what's that accent?" whispered andrew, referring to the way the man spoke.

"i think it's german," i said. "or maybe austrian?"

the man continued speaking, stiffly. i surveyed the not-uncommon features of a computer software engineer as he spoke: the thick glasses, the soft belly, the short, pleat-front pants.

"whatever it is," andrew finally replied, "there's a lot of sex in his voice."

and that is the story of when i died of a brain aneurysm, trying desperately to stifle a laugh.

um....snap??

Marketing: You are such a drip.
Me: Did you just call me a drip?
Marketing: Yeah I think it’s from my mother’s time...
Me: Or maybe back in the day, when you were young!
Marketing: Or maybe my right butt cheek...when you were now!!

whilst making our way through IKEA

andrew: is there a piece of cheese at the end of all this?

cock, etc

Elena: the menu says this place is known for it's rooster collection.
Me: rooster is just a fancy word for cock.
Amanda: I guess there isn't much else to brag about here in jackson hole.
Me: but at least now we know where we can go to get tons of cock in the 'hole.

+++

Erik: do you know how porn stars get their names? your middle name and the street name of your childhood home. Mine would be Anthony Lakeside!
courtney: not very sexy
Erik: give me yours
courtney: Cecilia or Jo-Anna Pico. Or CJ Pico. I like CJ because it sounds slutty.
Andrew: I wish my middle name were Horsecock.

+++

Me: he asked me if he was hung like a horse. and then asked if he was circumcised.
Alexis: i guess he was trying to find out if you've seen it.
Me: or he's a huge fan of cock.
Alexis: or both.
Me: possibly.
Alexis: i had a guy friend ask about my boyfriend's penis one time. I think they like to compare or something. So strange.
Me: girls don't do that. I don't go "so...how deep's her vadge?"
Alexis: oh? I do.