my father's toast

[printed with permission]

I am sure you have all seen the British Prime Minister's Question time in your channel surfing lives, but did you know that the bench in the middle of Parliament's debate chamber is 2-1/2 sword's length wide? This is to keep the opposition parties far enough away from each other should the debate become heated. I am not sure why I mention this - unless it is to suggest that rather than getting a very wide dining room table, Edward and Lauren sit beside each other and be honest and trusting in their communication.

This is a very exciting time in our lives. The announcement of the engagement followed by the setting of the wedding date and a seemingly distant date in October has suddenly raced to greet us and here we are only one day before Lauren and Edward's union. Barbara and I are delighted you have all made the journey and that we can share some time together on the eve of the wedding. May I say a special thanks to Cheryl and Larry for opening their house and their hearts to us all and making us feel so at home. Let us give thought to absent family and friends who were unable to be here at this exciting time and we know they join with us in wishing all the best to Edward and Lauren on their life's journey together.

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, I say to Edward whenever you're wrong, freely admit it; whenever you're right, just shut up.

To Lauren may you share everything with Edward, especially the housework

Remember, Edward, that marriage is the institution that allows a man to do exactly what his wife wants

Lauren, on a bad hair day be sure the cap you wear to hide your hair, is his favorite sports team.

Life is good, Edward, as long as the toilet seat is down.

Lauren the best way to get your way is to let Edward think that he thought of it first.

A good marriage is one in which you fall in love many times and always with the same person.

A good marriage is one in which you will continue to re-invent yourselves.

A good marriage does not consist of gazing into each others eyes but rather always looking outward in the same direction.

A good marriage is an eternity of first dates.

A good marriage is one lived such that when your children think of fairness, love, caring and integrity, their first thoughts will be of their parents.

May everyone charge their glasses and be upstanding for a toast

to the future Mr. And Mrs. Edward Browne:

MAY YOU BE FRIENDS AND LOVERS THE REST OF YOUR LIVES.

MAY THE BEST DAY OF YOUR PAST BE THE WORST DAY OF YOUR FUTURE.

MAY YOU GROW OLD TOGETHER AS YOU LEARN TO EXPERIENCE THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIVES.

And as me Sainted Irish mother said to me before I married a Brit

MAY YOU HAVE WARM WORDS ON A COLD EVENING

A FULL MOON ON A DARK NIGHT

MAY THE ROAD EVER LEAD DOWNHILL TO YOUR FRONT DOOR

WHERE THE LORD HOLDS YOU FOREVER IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND

Jackson Hole, WY

Jackson Hole is beautiful. I never thought I'd say that of Wyoming, but I also never thought I'd ever be in Wyoming. Downtown is only a few blocks long and wide and looks as one might picture the old west to be. I'm looking for swinging saloon doors and spurs and stetsons but instead i only find over priced nick-nacks and a starbucks.

this town is absolutely big enough for the two of us.
possibly even three.

Lauren, my brother's fiance, is already a bundle of nerves before the wedding, and upon seeing Cameron - before even a "hello" - she asks if he'll be shaving for the wedding. The obvious answer is "yes" but the fun answer is "no".

me and cam (pre-shave)

Thursday night, the bride's family host us all for a cocktail party at their house. It took us forever to find their house as they live out in the boons, and let me tell you something: out here you make one wrong turn, and before you know it, bison are trying to rape your car.



The house was built by a Mormon who had so much money he built a mansion, but not enough money to finish it (so he sold it for "cheap" to the bride's father). I kid you not when I tell you that their guest house is the size of my parent's house. It's all about logs and taxidermy, and looks like a house you might find on Mulholland Drive if Paul Bunyon had puked on it. I quickly name the bison head above the fireplace Buddy, and his moose and elk friends beside him Monty and Eli, respectively. Death and fur abound in this mansion, and at one point of the night, enjoying a quiet moment to myself, I felt it necessary to apologize to the bear that had been skinned, stretched and stapled (in its entirety) to the upstairs wall. He didn't say anything, but I could tell he was still pissed (though it's hard to read those glass eyes).

The best advice I've been given this trip is toleration through intoxication; but that gets difficult when I'm 1. trying to stave off illness that desperately wants to veto my immune system by avoiding alcohol, and 2. am elected second designated driver. The latter makes sense since I don't drink much anyway, but I will say that I have gained a new found respect for my non-drinking father. Staying sober whilst watching everyone else get progressively drunk is a tough enough job to do once let alone all the time.



Next stop was the infamous million dollar cowboy bar. With four pool tables, saddles for bar stools, and a breathalizer in the basement, it's no wonder we spent most of our time here during this trip. There, Elena (maid of honor) and I picked out our love interests. She chose "jimbo", the 300+lb bad boy with the red bandanna and missing front teeth, while I instead set my eyes on "Trey", the manorexic cowboy who had "registered sex offender" written all over his gruff, weather-withered face. Sometimes love can be recognized instantly, and i knew once he set his eyes on me, the love would be mutual.

yeee-ha!

I can't tell you enough how beautiful this place is. I am surrounded by snow peaked mountains and living in the luxury of the four seasons hotel. There is a gas fireplace in every room, marble in every bathtub, and an outdoor heated pool. I could get used to this life.

But I won't. Because it's expensive.

Salt Lake City, UT

So I'm sitting in the lobby of the joseph smith memorial hall and thought I'd write an update. I am surrounded by kids. Little aryan kids. They are all rediculously beautiful (except for the chubby one that keeps trying to read this over my shoulder) but seriously: enough with the blonde hair and the blue eyes. Dirty up the gene pool a little guys. Or are your people not "down with the swirl?"

Every day that passes, I see new differences between the way cameron (my friend visiting from London) and I work: I don't like asking for directions (or anything from strangers) and saying you're from London when someone asks is much more impressive than saying you're from san francisco. Probably because of all our mexicans and butt sex. But it's probably a good thing he likes asking for directions, since he has the worst sense of direction ever. There are two visitors centers in Temple Square, and one for the city itself. We both waited for each other, each at the wrong center, before he finally figured out we hadn't had the same meeting place in mind.

Right now, cameron is out on the obersvation deck talking to two couples (each with 37 kids) while I sit in the lobby alone (save for aformentioned nosey chubster) typing away on my blackberry. For the most part everyone is incredibly kind, but there is definitely a perception that cam is the saintly one of the two of us, even though I'm not the one leaving every ten minutes for a cigarette or checking out the pretty mormon missionary sisters. But I did just see a movie about Joseph Smith and after, was overheard by an elder telling Cam that i wouldn't mind helping the actor that played JS "see God". so I guess we're not all perfect (at least I'm close).

The streets are rediculously wide here. A map will show your destination as two blocks away, and thirty minutes later, you get there. I guess because they had six horses pulling their carriages, they needed wide streets to turn around in. Well, up yours Brigham. My feet hurt.



We've been here for 3 days, and I'm sorry SLC, but that's 2 1/2 days too many. Downtown reminds me of San Francisco's Financial District on a saturday - empty streets and abandoned high rises; and yesterday morning, when searching for a good place to grab breakfast, it was suggested to us by a security guard that we either go to Carl's Jr or the Mall. No wonder this country has issues with morbid obesity.

But I'm glad I came. It's been very interesting learning about the Mormon faith as a Catholic. You realize that each religion believes it is the full testament of God and the only true religion. And while I do not subscribe to the Mormon faith, I generally respect it, since I know many people who have found great comfort in it.

But i can't help but giggle at the portraits of Joseph Smith being visited by Jesus and His Father in the forest. I mean...seriously??

look like a couple of Gibbs to me

Was Joseph visited by a higher power? or the BeeGees?

was it a black comedy?

co-worker #1: have you seen that rodney king movie?
co-worker #2: rodney king?
co-worker #1: yeah.
co-worker #2: i have only seen one movie with him in it.
co-worker #1: wait...
co-worker #2: it was a short, independent film.
co-worker #1: [realizing] ohh i didn't mean rodney king, i meant...
co-worker #3: rodney dangerfield?
co-worker #1: yes. have you seen that rodney dangerfield movie?
co-worker #2: no. no i have not.