my new friend

him: let's talk about how suprisingly incredible you are

me: why surprisingly?

him: just didn't expect to personally ever find the coolest chick in the world. are you a lesbian?

me: no, though you might convince me otherwise

him: are you part man?

me: no[t anymore]

him: well i am just trying to figure out how can a girl be as funny as you just being a normal hetero-sexual girl.

me: i am both flattered and insulted.

him: did you ever watch my 2 dads.

me: loved it.

him: yeah. as an orphan in brazil I thought "if only i had one..."

me: i can imagine. you could have had your own brazilian show called "my two nobodys"

him: would you for $10 million dollars put a litter of kittens in a trash compactor?

me: if they were already dead, yes.

him: no. they are alive and cute.

me: then i would not. but i would put you in there. for $5.

him: shocked at your answer.

me: that i wouldn't do it?

him: heck yeah.

me: a person that would kill anything doesn't deserve $10M.

him: 10 MILLION DOLLARS. say it.

me: sorry.

him: 10 MILLION DOLLARS.

me: that's what's wrong with this country.

him: i would afterword, spend $999,997 helping starving 3rd world kittens that fat sally struthers supports and then with the remaining $3 buy myself an ice cream.

me: sweet. that means i can steal the remaining $9 million, and you'd never know it was missing. i'm rich, but my hands are clean. i like it.

him: i used to be in accounting. obviously, i was fired.

everyone has AIDS.

me: i want to move to europe.

cam: no you don't.

me: i want to live in a villa in italy, be a writer and eat pasta and drink wine and get fat.

cam: what do you mean get fat?

me: hey! you're mean!

cam: what?? you make fun of me all the time!

me: yes but not about things you're sensitive about.

cam: that's not true!

me: name me one example.

cam: you're always making fun of me for like, having AIDS and stuff.

me: cameron...are you insecure about your STD count?

cam: if you must know? ...maybe.

utterly brill

my best friend eric was recently diagnosed with Evans' Syndrome, an autoimmune disease that requires months of chemotherapy and an ever-increasing pile of medical bills for all the things one's insurance won't cover (because living is expensive). having never been particularly sympathetic before, eric was surprised to be greeted at work yesterday by his manager who handed him a sealed, blank envelope. every coworker had pitched in money to help eric with his medical bills. they had raised $500.

eric described himself as flabbergasted. i was moved to tears.

then, tragically coming back into character, i emailed him. "you know what you should do? you should show up tomorrow in a mink coat with a big price tag on it that says $500."

"utterly brill," he replied. "that's exactly what i'm going to do."

and you know what? i think he just might.

a brief introduction to my family

the following is an email exchange between me, my mother and my father over what to get my father's great-aunt for her birthday. my father signs his emails "L P/D" to indicate "Love, Peter/Daddy" while my mother, barbara, opts for "b/m xxx". this last statement is completely anecdotal. it just makes me laugh.

Father: is this of interest for Ida? A big strange, but rather unique.


smart shopper voice-activated
errand & grocery list maker
Me: or we could just get her this:



Mother: your scottish blood is showing itself again!

Father: actually, it could also be termed Swabian.

Me: is that a fancy word for "cheap jew" you RACIST??

Father: there are a few ideas on www.netique.com.

Me: what if we got her a certificate to a nice restaurant in the city?

Mother: i like that idea as she likes to go out with her friends. they liked that one french place they took us to on Geary. what about that?

Father: one thing to remember: they really do not like to go at night very much anymore - we drove them that night to the french restaurant. i will fall into line (as always) but we might want to find something a little different or unique - the netique.com website is interesting.

Me: 1. netique should be called antique. you might as well buy her a headstone.
2. some restaurants do this crazy thing where they serve food during the day. i know. it's weird.

Father: I spoke to the restaurant and they sell gift certificates but they will not do it over the phone because they seem to have had some issues in the past. An idea: if you ladies are free Fri, Sat or Sun night of Labor Day weekend, why don't Mummy and i take you to dinner there and we can collect the gift certificate at the same time?

Mother: The girls are off to Monterey, but i'll go to dinner with you P.

Me: gross, guys. get a room.

and then, to the madness

The Lovers - Magritte

i love this painting. my friend eric shared it with me in college one year, and a year later in new york, i got to witness it in person. it makes me think about how no matter how much you might passionately love someone, you might never really see them for who they are - or maybe they never fully reveal themselves to you - and quite similarly, you might not recognize yourself when in that love. it can, after all, be such an irrational and self-mutilating state of temporary insanity, love; a feverish and intoxicating madness spent replaying conversations, dissecting feelings, testing reactions, and waiting by the phone. and it always strikes me as odd (and yet, morbidly fascinating) that we dedicate, not just ourselves, but our art, our music, our poetry, to the art of falling into it.

i have never been in love, myself. sometimes i like to think i have, but it's never actually happened. my affections tend towards men who are so incredibly out of love with themselves that i try and love them enough to compensate. sometimes that even takes tapping into my own personal reserve where i end up hurt, and they end up much the same as when we started. it is an empty love, and it is very, very lonely.

when i was 18, i fell in love with the attention of the first man who had ever paid it to me. i was chubby, and nondescript and so filled with the want to experience something (anything), that he, offering only the tiniest of pin pricks (no pun intended), was enough to burst me. he wasn't particularly dashing. or sensitive. or considerate. but he did treat me like shit, and as such, i adored him.

it sounds funny - and i can't explain it to you until i can explain it to myself - but there was something about the pursuit of his affections that kept me so enthused, like the cliched but appropriate carrot on a stick. that's not to say that i was put off when he actually felt inclined to show interest - those were my mini successes: proof that my work had paid off. they granted me just enough time to make one victory lap around my heart, before packing up and bracing for the weather to change.

that was seven years ago now, and i'm only just beginning to properly unpack my emotional suitcase - to work towards the state of being shroudless, seek a lover of equal vulnerability, and kiss them fully on the lips. but, frustratingly, that can take repeating your mistakes until they are finally learned from; because the heart is a muscle, and muscle memory is a powerful thing. but i suppose that's where faith comes in. faith that love is worth it and that you are worthy of it.

and then, to the madness.

rock n' roll romance

me: I watched two seconds of "Rock Of Love" yesterday, and bret michaels actually told a girl she had "two of the most beautiful eyes" he'd ever seen.

brother: yes, well, there was that cyclops with the beautiful blue eye he dated back when he was still in Poison.

how to talk dirty to a lawyer

him: can i dock my ship in your slip?

me: only if there's no third party on board. even if you promise to indemnify me.

a chuckle

(no midget dating or child fucking)



















and my personal favorite:




source

take me back to 1994

PLEASE HELP: SAVE THE SWEETWATER!!!

My Dear Friends,

I was just informed that the beloved Sweetwater Saloon in Mill Valley, Marin's best music venue and site to my record release party, has been ordered to close its doors. I am deeply saddened by the news and wanted to ask you all to take two seconds out of your day to sign the online petition to save it. Not only has it been around for 30 years and hosted some great musical acts, but it is a major part of Marin's history and it would be a great injustice to music lovers and musicians to take it away.

Please visit www.savethesweetwater.com to learn more about what you can do to help out. Please also notify your friends, lovers, relatives, and random peeps in your email contact list to let them know and get them involved. they're trying to get 10,000 signatures, so the more the merrier!!!

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Hope you are all happy and healthy.

Courtney
xo

blather

me: i was on a conference call with a coworker and our lawyer that took an hour when it should have taken ten minutes. our lawyer must have been counting the dollar signs.

her: then why'd it take so long?

me: because [my coworker] talks slower than christopher reeves.

+++

my brother: you're a really great cricket player. did you play a lot in India?

cricketer: yes i did, but then my job brought me to america.

my brother: oh yeah? what do you do?

cricketer: i'm a cab driver.

+++

[on the phone with my mom]

mom: your brother hasn't shaved. but i guess it's his birthday, so he doesn't have to.

me: as long as he's shaved his balls, we're fine.

mom: (to brother) she says as long as you've shaved your balls, you're fine.

brother: (mumbling in background)

mom: he says he wants you to pluck the hairs out with your teeth.

me: again?!?

mom: (to brother) she says "again?!?"