my new friend

him: let's talk about how suprisingly incredible you are

me: why surprisingly?

him: just didn't expect to personally ever find the coolest chick in the world. are you a lesbian?

me: no, though you might convince me otherwise

him: are you part man?

me: no[t anymore]

him: well i am just trying to figure out how can a girl be as funny as you just being a normal hetero-sexual girl.

me: i am both flattered and insulted.

him: did you ever watch my 2 dads.

me: loved it.

him: yeah. as an orphan in brazil I thought "if only i had one..."

me: i can imagine. you could have had your own brazilian show called "my two nobodys"

him: would you for $10 million dollars put a litter of kittens in a trash compactor?

me: if they were already dead, yes.

him: no. they are alive and cute.

me: then i would not. but i would put you in there. for $5.

him: shocked at your answer.

me: that i wouldn't do it?

him: heck yeah.

me: a person that would kill anything doesn't deserve $10M.

him: 10 MILLION DOLLARS. say it.

me: sorry.

him: 10 MILLION DOLLARS.

me: that's what's wrong with this country.

him: i would afterword, spend $999,997 helping starving 3rd world kittens that fat sally struthers supports and then with the remaining $3 buy myself an ice cream.

me: sweet. that means i can steal the remaining $9 million, and you'd never know it was missing. i'm rich, but my hands are clean. i like it.

him: i used to be in accounting. obviously, i was fired.